and if I was wearin' THEM shoes...

Saturday, December 1, 2012

I REALLY hate this whole Rocker Shoe thing. No, it is NOT making your ass look better, STUPID. And these are multiple layers of ugly: the rockerness, blended with faux Birkenstock styling, and then the "let's throw on some metallic paint to make it DRESSY" mandate going on there. Why is it that 90% of the shoes being made today are so ugly. SO. UGLY. I don't understand!?!?!?!?!?!

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Why this blog exists

First, I have to explain the blog title: Once I heard two drag queens fighting at a bar, and one said to the other, "and if I was wearin' THEM shoes, I wouldn't be sayin' NOTHIN' to NOBODY." Ooooh. And I have used it every chance I've had ever since.

However, onto the blog itself: All I want is a pair of black loafers. Really. I know that's kinda square, but whatever; I just want a pair of decent-looking, not-too-Cobbie Cuddler-y, semi-comfortable loafers. I've been wearing them since I was 15 and saw Audrey Hepburn in "Sabrina." Is wanting to emulate one of the most stylish women EVER captured on screen too much to ask for? Yet, apparently, it is: I can't find a decent pair of loafers, ever. Usually, like, once every three years I find a good pair, and then wear them into the ground, and then I start my desperate search again.

But this go-round, I'm documenting all the various shoe failures I encounter, or have encountered, in my shoe-obsessed lifetime. See, I just don't get it: out of ALL the thousands of shoe companies, and the many more thousands of shoes available, most of them - okay, like, 99 percent of them - are fucking hideous. And I don't understand it, and I never will.

I have been obsessed with style (versus fashion) and taste since my life-altering Hepburn experience, and have long wondered why so many shoes 1. are designed 2. go into production 3. are picked up by shoe buyers and then 4. purchased and worn by anyone. Most of the time I find myself going, "who greenlighted this travesty?" and "how much money did they lose putting this into production?" I used to go into Nordstrom Rack and look for the ugliest shoes I could find and put them all together in one area. I called it Hideous Shoe Extravaganza. I would specifically stick to the size 10's (yeah, that's my size, so I was looking in that section, anyway); any over-the-top-funky-fashiony shoe in a size 6 has a chance of being pulled off as a "statement" just because it's so wee, but that same shoe, in a size 10, is simply an abomination.

So there you go. And I'm still looking for black loafers.

And if you'd like to submit any bad shoes to feature on this page, just send me a link, and I'll put it up.